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Happy Birthday Mum x

Yesterday, it would have been my Mother’s 64th birthday. Beatles song lyrics aside it got me thinking.
At the moment I am averaging 75 hours a week at work between my two jobs (yeah I took on a second job…) and it is leaving me no space for anything else. 
Pragmaticism dictates that I should make hay while the sun shines but I am tired, stressed and irrepressibly angry. The anger is taking me very much by surprise and it’s a constant struggle every day to contain my rage.
It has been playing on my mind over the last week that my Mother who was such a beautiful, loving caring soul had a life filled with tragedies. My heart is pulled to pieces by this and the knowledge that there was no triumph at the end. 
I miss her most days anyway. At the moment it is much stronger and I wonder if that’s why my core is so hot, fiery and prickly right now.  However, in the search of future positivity I decided to make a list of what I actually want, for myself.
1)      To live creatively and express myself through my artworks, designs, writing and performances.
2)      Financial freedom.
3)      To find love again (Though I find the prospect of a lasting emotional relationship somewhat unlikely)
4)      To get married
5)      To raise children, in a loving stable home with my partner.
6)      Create a Purky Art Farm (A self sustaining small holding with studio and gallery spaces, offering  artists somewhere to work and teach)
7)      To build and sustain strong relationships and networks, offering something positive to all the people around me.
8)      To die at the right time, for the right reason.
And perhaps most importantly of all that all the things I think I ‘Want’ actually bring me happiness and fulfilment or points the way to my ‘Truth’.

Here is a ‘Truth’ that helps me. This is my Mother’s oak tree. Right now it is not much more than a sapling but it will outlive me and quite possibly my grandchildren. As it grows and flourishes, over three hundred different kinds of life will be supported under, over and inside its mighty boughs. 
I like to think that my two very talented, hardworking brothers, my amazing sister and myself, are acorns from the oak that was Lynn Joy Pursey.  We are growing and building our futures, raising families, loving and living.

Things will get better, you just keep going…

Captain Purky signing off x

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One Year Ago

My heart was broken and I was rather scared. Losing the man I loved was terrible enough but I would have to find somewhere to live, gather my belongings, avoid conflicts..Could I afford it, was I clever enough to find somewhere?

The answer, one year on from the heart break, is Yes. I am struggling but I have a rather cool (if cluttered) apartment that I share with my beloved Phileous Mogg. (insert Meow here) I have rediscovered my inner artist

I was also, one year ago, working on Droma and writing daily. I want to return to that state of productivity. Currently I am working 12 hour days at my physically demanding job which is leaving very little space for my purkiness. However, writing can be done in tiniest snippets and those snippets can be woven together on the quiet days.

My three dimensional creativity and my writing are intrinsically linked. I love making real world artifacts from my stories, the dragon hatchlings being a case in point.

So what was the point of this post then? Really to reflect upon the positive things that have happened in the last year.

Moving into Purky Towers, Retrieving Phil, Trading successfully at the Chocolate Festival – Cads & Bounders – London Steampunk Market – Hogswatch – Discworld Spring Fling – Pop up Chocolate Garden, Discovering Gearpunk, rediscovering my love of Cyber, Meeting so many new amazing people.

It is Wednesday morning and I have already clocked in 33 hours at work this week. The grand plan is to work myself into the ground over summer to build up some financial momentum and use it to do something special.

I have so many exciting ideas and though my internal well is rather empty at the moment, a few days of resting will top me back up.

Best be off, time to go to work 🙂

Much love Purkites

Captain Purky xx

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Returning to my Blog

Its been somthing of a rough year so far.

Purky failed as a business, my relationship ended and my Mother has died.

After my last post, about something so important, I honestly did not know how to follow it.

These things however do not excuse me from active blogging and I apologise profusely to folks who have been waiting for an update.

I have been creative over the last month and taken literally hundreds of photos documenting my life and my work. There are several tutorials which I will get written up and released over this month.

A snap shot of pictures from the last month, just to give you some flavour.

Cute tame starling

My new adventures into indian cuisine

An important Purky project for the family in progress (full tutorial to follow eventually)

My beautiful sister on her wedding day

A gorgeous (late blooming) passion flower

My updated shrine, its a collation of things that are meaningful to me, though the skull candles are just for the ambiance of the thing….

New Purky display equipment and Phil supervising work in the new studio

New tile pendants, cufflinks and stud earrings about to be cured.

The night I met Lady Gaga…

New Revolution Pendants and new stud earrings.

I hope that gives you a flavour of what has been occuring in my life this month. I haven’t included pictures from my Mother’s funeral and other things like that.

I promise to return to regular blogging and my love and best wishes to all of you

Harry xx

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Goodbye Mum

Nothing and everything to say really.  I was in Bournemouth at a friend’s house, having done a photoshoot the day before. I notice missed calls and followed them up.
Dad told me Mum was in Bath hospital and the end was nigh. I showered and contacted my sister. Loaded the car up and headed over.
About half an hour away from Bath I checked my text messages and saw that Mum was heading back to the nursing home. My sister and father managed to convince them to allow her to head back to the nursing home, my Mother sincerely did not wish to die in a hospital.
I somehow got their first and I know this, may sound bizarre, I wanted to take some photographs of her room. This was going to be the last place that she drew breath, it needed to be remembered.
I feel that in many ways that room was more homely than her house was at the end.  That moon was a present from Dad, I don’t remember when it arrived in our lives but have always been very fond of it.
Some of her favourite objects surrounded her and pictures of her children on their graduation days looked down at her. The box frame on the left is her corsage from my brothers wedding.

A bit later on, I saw Mum being wheeled in on the bed and lurked in the lounge while the nurses and care staff transferred her back to her bed. A brief family conference before we headed in to see her.
Without meaning to sound brutal or callous, it was clear that her time was drawing to a close. Her breathing was rapid and shallow, there was no response to stimulus.
I left to have some breakfast and my sister and father, who had been up all night left to get some rest.
While I was waiting for my food to arrive (at the pub round the corner) my sister called to let me know that Mum had slipped away.
It feels like, she was waiting for that quiet moment of peace. Perhaps I am needlessly romanticising and that’s just the moment her heart stopped and her brain shut down. Although, in all honesty, I feel that she was probably holding on until she was alone, before she passed.
I finished my breakfast/tea and headed on back to the nursing home. Just a short walk.  My sister was on the phone making important calls to people to let them know. Dad was outside smoking.
I went into see her. Knocked on the door. Yeah, I know….
Anyway, she was laid there, the care staff had tidied the room around her and placed a flower on her chest. I had a few words…as you do I suppose. Kissed her upon the forehead. It was the strangest feeling, knowing that she couldn’t feel what I was doing. There was that momentary flash of fear that she might, well open her eyes and scream or something. I know that is ridiculous but her near death has been a recurring theme throughout my life.
Obviously, she didn’t stir. I took a heart shaped brooch I made in 2009 as an anniversary present for her (Dad has matching cufflinks) and placed it next to the flower. It was very odd walking away from her for the last time. I will not see her again. I presume her casket will have a closed lid.
For the first time in so long, my mother was peaceful.
I will miss her company and comfort and wisdom. She also had a wicked sense of humour.
But, I would gladly trade every shred of happiness she offered me for her peace and safety. Her body will never hurt and her mind will never be stressed ever again.
I am a grown man and I will be absolutely fine and capable and strong even without my Mother’s presence. 
As much as I will miss her.
She showed me how to be a person and I will continue to live honestly, expressively and joyously in her honour.
Lynn Joy Pursey 1948 – 2011
We love you

Harry xxx

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The magnificent Mother

To cut a long story short, my mother nearly died, again.

She has a long and frankly astonishing history of cheating death. 15 years ago she had a massive stroke which left her permanently disabled but left her personality intact.

We have had quite a rough ride together and the boundaries of what it means to be a mother and son and she has taught me so much about being a human being. From age ten to eighteen I was one of her primary carers and even once I left home I was involved in looking after her.

In Febuary she had another stroke and spent the next six months in hospital before transferring to Pondsmead.

It appeared she had another stroke on Sunday night whilst at the nursing home she now lives in. We were all called and came to say goodbye. She was unconcious, her food and meds were stopped and we were told she would be gone most probably within twenty four hours.

Over the course of the week we noticed she was responding slightly to auditory stimulous. I  had sort of decided to play Abba and Queen to her because they were her favourites. Ooops past tense, bad habit. They are her favourites.

All four of us, My two elder brothers and elder sister were together with my father while a vicar came to do some prayers. I must confess I stood to one side respectfully as I find christian worship somewhat redundant philosophically to me but have complete respect for the rest of my family’s beliefs.

My siblings stayed overnight on Sunday and Monday. It all seemed rather hopeless.

Without meaning to sound callous, I found myself able to find solace in the peace my mother appeared to have. She was sleeping and in no pain. I had no wish for her existance to end but compared to all the pain and trauma she has endured over the years, this was nothing.

I stayed over night on Tuesday,  Mum began choking on her own secretions and I must confess I was very alarmed. I called for help and the frankly wonderful nurses did lots of oral care and suction to clear her airways. I was willing to accept an end but not like that, she deserved better.

Over the course of the night I tried to sleep in her reclining chair in her room but could not. I realised I was counting the seconds between each of her breaths. The figure rose and fell, erratic and shallow, deep and warbly. We thought she was going to leave us and at those moments it was all too easy to believe.

Earlier in the day my sister and father managed to convince the doctor to restart my mothers fluids and give her 15ml of water an hour via her ng tube. Thats a tube in the throat to allow a nil by mouth patient to be fed and given medications.

Everytime she came round, like a cough or a splutter shook her back into conciousness, I tried to talk to her. Sometimes she focussed, sometimes not.

I remembered she was supposed  to be being fed water and that had not been happening through the night.

As the morning came, she seemed to be more aware, awake, responding to a squeezed hand. The words were like a radio tuning in and out. She kept saying the word ‘thirsty’ and I asked them if they had been doing the fluids. I had fallen asleep a few times and not kept tabs. Another lovely nurse started the water again.

My mother, unstoppable, stubborn, never wrong. Awake 🙂

I went home about 8am to get some rest, needed to feed Phil as well and have a bath. I left a note for the doctor. Explaining what had been happening.

I couldn’t sleep so popped over to Bristol to see my friend Maya and get some headspace. There was no guarantee she was out of the woods. Did some online research and it was clear that some people have a final resurgence before it is time for them to leave and I thought that may be the case here.

A phone call at lunchtime told me that Mum was chatting and popping in later on she was helping my father do the crossword.

She is frankly, awe inspiring. Her brain and body were dying and she didn’t. Not sure I believe in souls although I do believe in the complete indivisuality and uniqueness of a human person’s electrical brain patterns so perhaps thats my version.

I hope the lazarus ability is coded into my D.N.A but even if it isn’t I am glad my mother posesses it.

I spent Thursday catching up with my sleep and doing some sorting out. My collegue Alex came and took me out for lunch to check up on me which was lovely.

Away we go folks, 🙂